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I HATE MY NORTH FACE: AN ODE TO SPRING

I HATE MY NORTH FACE: AN ODE TO SPRING

By Led Black

NorthfaceI have a love-hate relationship with my North Face. Let me explain: I don’t have one of those thin, lightweight – walk in the park on a slightly brisk morning North Faces. No, I have a climb up Mt. Kilimanjaro (pre-global warming) North Face, the type of North Face that you can wear outside on a frigid day with a soaking wet wife-beater underneath and not feel a thing.  I wait until all hope is lost and the real cold weather has set in to pull it out of the closet.  It is a weapon of last resort. Speaking of pulling it out the closet, it literally takes up my entire closet.

It must take a whole school of geese or whatever you call a bunch of geese to supply the feathers to fill my coat. I’m serious, a good dozen v-formations of geese is necessary just to pad this monstrosity. It is heavy, cumbersome and completely impervious to the elements, I think it might even be bulletproof.  Once I was driving with it on and it took me about 5 minutes of hard fought struggle to remove it as I drove, I almost crashed.  If I had crashed, I’m sure I would have survived unscathed because my North Face is way better than any airbag.  Another thing about my North Face is that it has mad pockets; it has pockets inside of pockets under pockets.  On one occasion in Washington Heights a cop harassed me because I “fit the description.” He proceeded to illegally frisk me; dude got tired from fruitlessly searching through the countless pockets on my North Face. Needless to say he didn’t find the twenty sac of high-grade marijuana I had stashed, to be completely honest, neither did I.  I still haven’t, it ended up in North Face pocket limbo. 

It’s not that I really hate my North Face but I loathe what my North Face represents, bitterly cold weather.  I have lived in this country since I arrived from the Dominican Republic when I was 5 and I still have not completely adjusted to extremely low temperatures or as my father refers to it, “un frío de película.” I welcome spring every year by putting away the North Face until the next winter.  With climate change being what it is, winter might arrive by June.  But in any case, spring is almost here and life is good. Long live spring!!! 

Comments

  1. Reply
    Carolina

    I can totally relate to you on not liking the cold…I dont have a north face but I rather be out in the sun chilling w. some shorts and chancletas than a coat…been in USA since I was 11 and still not used to the frio. I love your Republica Updates…I read each and every one of them…thank you.

    Carolina~

  2. Reply

    I look forward to reading your articles…they’re f*^& hilarious!!!
    mil bendiciones

  3. Reply
    Led Black

    Carolina & Joselyn – Thanks for the positive feedback. We’re glad that you like and support what we do here at the Republica Update. It’s funny because this morning as I was clearing the f-ing snow off of my car, one of my father’s other phrases for the cold weather came to mind, “esta frio con conjones”. I guess I won’t be able to put away the North Face just yet.

  4. Reply
    A Savage Just Like You.

    Hey Led Black…once again, this was another headbanger…you really touched those of us true NYkers who all share similar experiences…you should really try to convert all your great interpersonal writings into a tangible piece of literary art. Don’t the rest of you agree with me, Lets help Led out make him publish a cool book. Thanks again for entertaining my mind.

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